Sam is almost 7 years old, and he doesn't miss a trick.
He picks up on any family issue, big or small, by zoning in on what I say to Gram on the phone. He reads headlines in the newspaper. Remember the spelling code that adults use around small children? "The neighbor's dog D-I-E-D." Forget it, Sam figures it out.
So, when I said to my husband, "What a horrible story out of Manchester," Sam called out from the next room, "What story? What happened?"
I froze. When an inquisitive child asks about a senseless tragedy such as the shooting at Hartford Distributors that left nine dead, how should a parent respond?
"First and foremost, you try to shield them as much as possible," says Dr. Laura Saunders, a child and adolescent psychologist at the Institute of Living in Hartford. "But inevitably, things filter through. Keep it simple."
She advises providing the least amount of information in a calm, direct manner. In response to a question about the Manchester killings, for example, Saunders would say, "A man went to his work and hurt other people."
Saunders believes too much information can be damaging to young minds: "You scare them and create unnecessary anxiety."
She says children also respond emotionally to storm warnings that come on the TV, out of the blue: "Address their anxiety, provide security and comfort," Saunders advises.
I want my boys to be kids as long as possible. I hope they continue to skip, leap and giggle without a care in the world. They'll be dealing with the realities of life soon enough. And, I have to say, the fact that hard-working people can go to their jobs and never return home is almost unbelievable. Even for a grown-up.
Hi, I sent this to Scot Haney last week. I had it posted to my Facebook page and found it useful for myself! Protect the children as much as possible but also give them anotheer focus. He read this on his show "Better Ct" Friday afternoon. "Dear Scot, I live in Manchester, not far from where the eight innocent people were murdered at their work place. That morning before I left for work on the other side of Manchester, before I knew of the shooting, I posted to my face-book page this quote from Mr. Fred Rogers. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” - Quote by Mr. Fred Rogers. If you have children in your life have them focus on the helpers because there is just no way to explain to a child this horrible scene. As adults we are having problems understanding this horrible disaster. My heart goes out to the families and friends of those injured and killed. God bless them. Sincerely, Sandy"
Say as little as is necessary. This is one of those times that I want to be truthful, direct and give few to one word answers. I want my daughters to enjoy their world, and not become burned, overwhelmed or consistently saddened by the realities around them.
One of the dangers of shielding children "as much as possible" is that as they grow older, they do not know how to handle adversity and the everyday pains of life. Death is a natural part of life. While the incident in Manchester was tragic and outside of the everyday run of things, I question the wisdom of shielding children from the full impact of what happened.
Today's children do not know how to handle adversity. Many, if not most, have been conditioned to sincerely believe that they are entitled to whatever they think they want. Sooner or later, a family member, a friend, or a beloved pet will die, and the child will not know how to deal with it. Witness the proliferation of "RIP" tattoos, stickers on cars, and illegal roadside shrines as proof of this. Twenty years ago, one did not see this sort of thing, but today, our well-shielded kids who have never discussed the concept of death, have never been to a funeral, and have never had to address the finality of death are completely unprepared for dealing with it. They lack the mental software and experience that might otherwise allow them to address such an experience in a healthy manner, and are much the worse for it, and their methods of addressing death range from morbid to absurd.
Shield them as much as possible? I disagree. Speak with your child as much as his or her developmental level will allow, and take on those difficult, uncomfortable questions. Your child will be better for it in the long run.
Don't be trying to shield your children from life's hard facts--reality isn't going to get in the way of their happiness, but they do need to internalize a database of things they should worry about at appropriate moments. If you think you're shielding your kids from the ways of the world you're probably not--it only takes 10 minutes of channel surfing on tv for them to get a glimpse of the crime scene photo from Court TV or the film clips of Nazis shooting people in the head in a WWII documentary, or brutalized pets on the Animal channel; and then there's the news, where they can see the idiocy of police chasing somebody from a helicopter and watch the inevitable police brutality afterwards. No, you can't shield them from reality, it's too close; talk to them now or they'll have to teach you the facts of life later...
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